BEANSTALK, INC. "CHOPPED DOWN"

This was one of our first assignments in Creative Writing. When I chose a fairytale, I knew I wanted to create a modern retelling, with some humor and wit. Anyone who knows the original fairy tale will find the references quite easily. I chose a newspaper format because it allowed me to tell the story in a new light, with new inflection and new perspective on the tale. As it is set with Jack being the "bad guy", the reader can tell the differences (unless you've never heard of this story, then you're on your own).

BEANSTALK, INC. "CHOPPED DOWN": A Humorous Modern Retelling of Jack and the Giant Beanstalk

-FAR FAR AWAY Today in the city of Far Far Away, a surprising arrest was made: Jack, the peasant boy from that small cottage in the middle of nowhere, was arrested on two felony charges of theft and breaking and entering at Beanstalk, Inc., and one count of murder, first class, crimes that were committed earlier this week. In a twist of the already shocking tale, Jack released this statement earlier today, exclusively to The Knightly News:

'Well, you all know that I lived alone with my poor old mother on the outskirts of the city. One day, she needed money for her medicine, so I took all of our money to go buy her some medicine at Target. However, along the way, I was stopped by a strange old woman. She turned out to be a broker, you see, and advised me to set up a stock portfolio, which would allow me to multiply my money! That would mean more money for my mother and maybe even a visit to the doctor's. So I let this old lady buy me stocks at Beanstalk, Inc., When I got home and showed my mother the portfolio, she got so mad that she sent me to my room with no dinner! However, I knew I'd prove her wrong when we made a profit selling our stocks.

'But before we could sell, Beanstalk, Inc., went under, because the CEO Mr. Gigante decided to spend all of the quarter profits on a golden statue of a chicken. I was so mad I decided that I would climb all the way up Beanstalk, Inc.,'s skyscraper to his office on the 100th floor and take that golden hen to pay for my mother's medicine. It was only fair, right? After all, he spent my money on a decoration!

'The biggest problem with my grand plan: the elevator was out of service. Really? I had climb the stairs. It took me a very long time, but getting that golden hen would be worth it.

 'Mr. Gigante had left his door unlocked (thought he was safe on the 100th floor, huh?) and I quickly stole inside and grabbed the golden hen. But when I looked around...I saw a golden harp sitting in the corner. My hands were full (golden hens are heavier than you might think) so I decided to come back the next day to grab that harp too. I mean, judging from the pictures on his desk, Mr. Gigante is pretty rich--certainly he didn't need that golden harp as well as a vacation home in the Bahamas!

'So the next day I ran up those rickety wooden stairs to his office, where I grabbed the golden harp and prepared to run away--when Mr. Gigante stepped out from the secret treasure vault he kept in his office. He is (or was, I guess) a giant fellow, and I didn't much want to get in a fight with him, so I ran down the stairs, jumping from one flight to another. Those stairs were pretty shaky and definitely not earthquake safe, so what happened next isn't entirely my fault....

'As I rounded a corner, he was right behind me! I jumped down to the next section of stairs when thesection I had just jumped from suddenly fell away, with Mr. Gigante jumping down straight into the gaping hole left by the collapsing stairs. This wouldn't be this huge of a deal if we hadn't been 50 stories up at that moment.

'Contrary to popular belief, I did NOT "weaken" that section of stairs down with an ax. I don't even OWN an ax, people! It was a tragic accident that had nothing to do with me, and that is why I am entering a plea of not guilty at my trial on Friday. I did not murder Mr. Gigante!'

Tragic accident, or premeditated murder? Tune into Jack's trial and our talk show Happily Ever After? immediately following, on K373 or on Bippity Boppity News at 7pm.